I am a native Oregonian. Born in Troutdale raised in Gresham as well as being a die hard Blazers fan I have been rocking the navy blue and gold for all my life. But there is one thing in my beautiful sweet Oregon that is a blight on it’s oh so green land. What is this cretin’s name you may ask? Voodoo Donuts… This godforsaken place has been the bane of me, myself, and I for most of my life. Now you may ask, “Oh Nicholas, why do you hate it so much?” or you may say “Nicholas it’s so good you are weird.” Am I? Am I!? No, I think not. In fact, I think this article you are gazing upon my dear reader will enlighten you to the truth of Voodoo Donuts.

Let’s start with my first experience of these deplorable creations of mankind. It was the summer of 2016 – a young Nicholas was out and about with his grandpa and his great uncle John. They all were in the mood for a sweet treat, one that would satisfy their sweet tooth and that’s when they saw it. That logo with a mysterious man wearing a top hat and suit caught our eyes. We were in a trance but little did we know once we walked in these doors we signed a contract for the next 30 minutes of our lives. And when I saw this line was long I mean Snake River long, Great Wall of China long, maybe even the length of the queen’s life (yeah, that long).

The place reminded me of the waiting room from the movie Beetlejuice…I hate Beetlejuice. Once we finally got up to the counter I had a decision to make, what doughnut will I shove into my mouth? Grandpa got a doughnut of the chocolate kind, uncle John got a bar with sprinkles, and it was down to me to pick what piece of baked sugar I wanted. We then got our doughnuts and found a park to eat them at. When all was said and done, my small body wanted to die so it could be rid of the sickness this horrible creation had plagued me with. Oh this was not the only time oh no sir! In fact, I only had it one other time when my grandpa’s son and my cousin Mira came to Portland. We got you guessed it Voodoo Donuts.

A doughnut with cereal on it was what I got…After a one hour wait, of course. And once we all ate our nuts of dough every one of us felt like throwing up, it was not fun. From that day one, I have been warning people of this place, but they just don’t listen. Well some of them do but that’s only because they too had unfortunately tried this place before and met the same fate. When telling people about where to buy doughnuts I always recommend either Coco’s, or even better so you can stay out of downtown, go to Heavenly Donuts. The only reason that place is still around wreaking havoc is the fact tourists have false hopes about the legend of Voodoo Donuts.

And so if there was any way for me to end this it would be with a warning. Do not go to Portland and waste an hour of your precious life to get a piece of bread that will make you not only spend a fortune to acquire but end up hating. You may call me crazy but I know what I know, and what I know is that Voodoo Donuts is one place I will dread and jeer at for as long as my name is Nicholas N. White.